All that glitters
Thoughts on discernment
1/24/2025 9:21 am.
Palestinian poet, Mahmoud Darwish, had written, “And if happiness should surprise you again, do not mention its previous betrayal. Enter into the happiness, and burst.”
I’ve come to notice that many people struggle with allowing joy to consume them; whether it be rooted in fear of its end or feeling as though they may not deserve such warmth, as if one must earn the right to be content. I have even come to learn that many thrive under the guise of dissatisfaction, swallowing a persona that exudes a bitterness for the world, a belly full of contempt as they exacerbate endless complaints for injustices, for inconveniences, for nothing. How people choose to live their day-to-day is their own business. The narrative they choose to continue living in is their own choice. I can only watch (and admire the persistence it takes to uphold a craft and/or a self-limiting belief) from a distance, and focus on how I can better myself.
On the opposing end of the spectrum, a narrative I’d previously satirized for goodhearted fun involved self-identifying as a hedonist, which shamefully led to an unironic adoption of the philosophy. (I can be too impressionable.) Little did I know embracing an epicurean persona for shits and giggles could so easily lead to a pitfall of escapist tendencies and the amplification of a victim complex dressed as a girl in her mid-twenties hiding behind ¿por qué no? and you only live once.
I had internalized Mary Oliver’s “joy is not made to be a crumb” to such a faulty degree, using and abusing the act of giving into pleasure, whatever form it may come in. I had prided myself in being open to what the world has to offer me. To be able to receive is a skill I have mastered. To be able to discern was something else entirely. Skill issue.
Discernment. n. dis·cern·ment. /dəˈsərnm(ə)nt/
The quality of being able to comprehend what is obscure (Merriam-Webster, 1999).
Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding (Oxford Languages, 2000).
Similarly to how niceness is not indicative of kindness, and physical form is not indicative of health, and intelligence is not indicative of wisdom, pleasure must not be confused for joy. According to Eckhart Tolle, pleasure comes from the outside, while joy is derived from the inside.
Somewhere along the lines of practicing to live in the moment, the art of discernment was lost on me.
Here is what I have been putting into practice, at my ripe age of twenty-seven, that my twenty-two year old self could never fathom:
Delayed gratification
Discipline
Feeling without responding
Saying no
In the past few years, it became a habit of mine to play enabler, and to counter dispositions with why not? Why ‘no’? This attitude had been formed to combat the conditions of my upbringing. The majority of my youth had been faced with variations of no’s—from “be careful,” to “don’t do that,” “you will get hurt,” “you shouldn’t.” I had lived 66% of my life in fear of change, and of the unknown, in an unperturbed state of comfort. I’d been blinded to the walls of limitations built by everything around me—though kept up by me. Despite one’s own environment and culture, at some point, a person must take accountability for the rules they have chosen to abide by.
While studying child development for my Bachelors, I learned that one is not doomed to be what they were taught. Although you may have grown up with a set of beliefs, you can actively choose to change them—about the world and about yourself. You are not restricted to an attitude familiar to you, nor are you limited to the paths designed by those who came before you. You are free to veer off.
We’ve all heard the story of the two sons and the alcoholic father; one son grows up succumbing to alcoholism while the other remains sober, yet they both reason, “It’s because of my father.”
You have the power to be anyone you want to be. When you finally and fully internalize this truth, that’s when the magic happens.
(Long-winded all to justify my proactive recklessness and naivete.)
Additional to my studies, I’d read The Book of Ichigo Ichie by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles, which detailed the different ways in which countries around the world have adapted the All We Have Is Now mentality. It is a beautiful read, both concise and impressively thought-out, that stimulated a drive within me to do the unthinkable now. I’d started to believe that unlearning my conditioned beliefs was not enough—I had to take action today, without remorse or a second thought. I had to confess my feelings now. I had to book that flight now. I had to jump out of that plane now. Cut off that relationship now. Live my life now.
Adventure was embraced and spontaneity became my reality. I took action with every feeling and allowed myself to be guided by what was presented to me, being fueled by instant gratification and failing to recognize the importance of discipline. In my mind, rang one truth: there is no promise of tomorrow. Herein lies the paradox. Hidden under the guise of taking action and being fearless today was the ironic fear of the consequences that may follow, if tomorrow actually comes.
This era of my life was a wondrous one. It led me to unknown pleasures, new cities, different countries, foreign friendships, whirlwind romances, and unconventional avenues of thinking and communicating. It taught me to not only believe in myself, but in the existence of miracles, and that nothing is unreachable. (Many would like to tell you otherwise. Those who define themselves by their external circumstances have yet to understand that everything needed is found within.)
Only now am I beginning to instill a new truth in myself: that not everything given to me must be received, and that accepting any and everything now stems from the deep-rooted fear that better and best are not on their way—as if the miracles are limited.
I have been trying to process the art of, once again, re-conditioning myself.
I had previously believed the new ways of living I’d adopted would serve me for the rest of my life, since they had catapulted me into such monumental experiences. It’s been a frustrating and yet satisfying journey to rediscover new areas of growth and try to hone in on skills previously neglected. One way of being may not last a lifetime.
Each day is a new attempt of deciphering whether to do or to not, to choose between what is good and what is great. Every moment is a practice of everything learned to determine which miracles are to be experienced.
When should we enter into the happiness, and burst?
You discern.
X
Side notes—
I’d been inspired to document my thoughts on this after:
I’d sent the Darwish quote to M, who’d earnestly replied with, “It’s hard though, to not give into some feelings of doubt” to which I’d added “And discerning when it’s protecting you or when it’s a trauma response”
Being at the bar with K, who had told me that something she’s working on is to remember the saying, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”
A man, who once upon a time ago, had me at his complete disposal
beautifully said. beautifully written. brava!!